Giving Yourself Space

Oh! Hello there. It's been a million years since I last attempted blogging, so I figured why not try again? I mean, when I think about the person I used to be and the person I am now, they're vastly different! I used to be anxious, stressed, hardworking, always on the move, always trying new things and...

Oh.

Ooooh.

Okay, so I still have anxieties and I still stress way too much about everything, but the big change is that I've learned to manage those feelings. Thanks therapy! If you haven't been to therapy, I'll let in on what is likely everyone's first lesson: boundaries. For me, I've had to create boundaries with work, coworkers, and family. I've even had to make boundaries with friends. Some of you might think, "Anna! Boundaries are to keep people out! That's not nice." You're not wrong. Boundaries with work keep it from harming my mental health. They allow me to complete my job (as described in my contract) and not let others take advantage of me. Boundaries with family allow me to figure out how not to get my heart hurt and to also have the healthiest possible relationship with people. The point of boundaries is to keep your mental health safe so you can share the favorite version of yourself with others. It's not selfish at all.

"But Anna! This is a writing blog! When are you going to stop with the knock-off therapy lessons and get to the craft?!"

SURPRISE, FRIEND-O! They're linked whether you like it or not.

Let me toss together a word salad of the writer I used to be. *insert TV warble effect here*

As a teacher, I didn't have much energy or time to write during the school year. Usually I'd scratch out an idea, get a rough outline done, and wait for summer. By the time June rolled around, I had to outline a book and write it in two months. I'd get my water, tea, notebooks, laptop, sticky notes, pens, and highlighters and sit at the desk from 8:00 am to 5:00pm, make dinner, eat dinner, sit back down and work until 10:00pm. I'd meticulously outline every chapter, every scene, every beat. I couldn't let myself start drafting unless I knew exactly where the story was going. Even when it came to drafting, I'd write a detailed (1,000 word+) outline of a chapter before I actually wrote the darn thing.

You know what happened? I'd get stuck. Every. Single. Day. I'd try and force triangle sized pieces into octagonal shaped holes and curse when nothing was working. Every night I'd go to bed hoping sleep would unlock my problem. Sometimes it did. Most of the time it didn't. 8:00 am always rolled around, and I was always at my desk.

You know what's missing there?

Yep, you guessed it. Boundaries.

You see, not only do boundaries help protect your mental health from things and people who overstep them, they protect you from... you! As someone who has a tendency to work until burnout, I've learned not to push too hard with writing or any creative pursuit. If something isn't working, I try a new angle and a new one and a new one, but only for an hour (or more depending on how I feel that day). If I don't unlock something about my story or characters, I walk away and do something totally different! Dishes, baking, organizing, walking, staring at the ceiling in despair. Sometimes I message a friend for help and force myself not to touch a pen or laptop until I've heard back from them. No matter what I do, one rule applies-- walk away.

Several things have happened with this new approach:

1. I don't get stuck as much because I give myself permission to lean back, listen to music, and let my mind wander.

2. I get more accomplished both with writing and other hobbies! I bake even more because it's my go to for clearing my head. I've started sewing again and refinishing furniture all while writing a book outline. Usually something clicks about my story because my subconscious has been churning over ideas all while I've been preoccupied with something else.

3. I have so much fun! Since shifting my focus from getting a rigid plot outlined to just playing with ideas, I've come to enjoy writing again. It's about figuring out my favorite tropes or favorite character dynamics then wriggling them together somehow. Inevitably, I get ideas for scenes and write them because I want to. Who cares if they fit the outline? I'll figure it out later!

Often writers juggle different projects at different stages. They outline something new when they feel like it and bounce to revisions on something else when they don't. This approach might work for you, and it can create the space necessary for each idea. It doesn't for me. Writing is writing, and it's hard for me to shake the whole Hamilton idea of "Why do you write like you're running out of time? Are you running out of time?" It's something else I'm working on, so my boundary for myself is time. Give myself time because I have it. Even if I can only scratch out an hour of my day. It's still time. My time. I should enjoy it as much as I can. If I'm not, I walk away.

If I were my ever amazing therapist, I'd end this with "This week, I encourage you to..." but I'm not. I'm just a writer in the query trenches happy to share the things I find helpful.

If you made it through this blog post, thanks! I sure as heck appreciate it, and I hope it helped. Do you have any other writing rituals? Anything you do when you're stuck plotting/drafting/revising? I'd love to hear them.

-Anna